


Decision

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Ghost Smut, Ghost and Mr. Ren, I am incapable of writing a story where they don't end up together, Kylo is very bad at understanding his feelings, Romance, Seems Tragic But Isn't, That's Not How The Force Works
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-12-16 07:31:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 20,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11824005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: Kylo watches her beautiful hazel eyes go wide with shock as his saber plunges into her chest. He’s instantly horrified by what he’s done and immediately retracts the blade, dropping the hilt as he catches her falling form. She’s blinking quickly and he knows she doesn’t have long.“No, no!” After Starkiller, after his father he’d hoped to prove to Snoke that this feeling brewing in him was nothing. He had wanted to show that he was not tempted by the scavenger and her brilliant light. But as he holds her in his arms and feels the life leaving her he knows he has been so very wrong. This woman, this impossible woman, she is everything to him and he has killed her.**On hiatus until 'Unbidden' is complete**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about this story for a while and needed to work on something other than 'Thwarted'. Those of you familiar with my work know I have a strong Happily Ever After policy, so though this will be angsty, it will end well.
> 
> Summary: Murder Puppy is just so bad at feelings that he misidentifies love as hate with disastrous consequences. Then Sunshine Kitty surprises him!

Kylo watches her beautiful hazel eyes go wide with shock as his saber plunges into her chest. He’s instantly horrified by what he’s done and immediately retracts the blade, dropping the hilt as he catches her falling form. She’s blinking quickly and he knows she doesn’t have long.

 

“No, no!” After _Starkiller_ , after his _father_ he’d hoped to prove to Snoke that this feeling brewing in him was _nothing_. He had wanted to show that he was _not_ tempted by the scavenger and her brilliant light. But as he holds her in his arms and feels the life leaving her he knows he has been so very wrong. This woman, this impossible woman, she is _everything_ to him and he has killed her.

 

She’s looking into his eyes and he wants to tell her that she was right, that he is a _monster_.

 

“Rey, please. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

 

She smiles then, a knowing smile full of all she could have given him. He watches helplessly as her eyes cloud and he feels her pulse stop.

 

He gathers her close in his arms, feels her cheek next to his and he weeps.

 

\---

 

“No!” he wakes abruptly, shaking, his face covered in tears. He turns over in his bed, drawing his knees to his chest. It’s been two months since he killed her. _Killed her_. He still cannot believe he’d rid the galaxy of something so good and so right. He chokes on his tears and closes his eyes tightly against the image of her delicate face and that damning, _forgiving_ smile. He would give anything to take it back, to follow her wherever she led him. They’d danced across the galaxy, clashing, tangling. He’d _lived_ for each chance to best her … to be with her.

 

He is consumed by that single moment when he’d been devoured by the need to eradicate the light within him.  He’d learned _nothing_ from the death of Han Solo. He had been thinking—as they fought that final time—that he must free himself from this _hold_ she had on him, that this would be the act that would release him.

 

And it had, oh how it had. The light and the dark no longer fight within him simply because he has lost all purpose. He is filled with nothing now. He is empty, numb. He goes throughout his days, remembered patterns, rote. The First Order, the Resistance, none of it matters.

 

He obsessively catalogues every minute he had with her, every clash of their lightsabers. He’d never felt so _alive_. He would cajole, she would taunt. On and on it went and he’d never understood who she was to him until it was too late. He hadn’t known the depth of his feelings until he’d been stripped raw, left mourning a life he didn’t know he needed like air.

 

And so he is a shadow of a man, lurking, existing. He’s begun to contemplate joining her, but he knows that he is far too dark, now. So he spends his days as a bloodless thing, there is no hate, his fierce sense of betrayal having seeped out into nothingness. All there is is her face and his blade and his bitter regret.

 

\---

 

He’s standing in his quarters, watching as the _Finalizer_ moves past the stars. He’s remembering, as he always does now.

 

Her face, her perfect face, bathed in violet as their sabers locked above her head. When he’d offered to teach her … she had been so beautiful as she’d communed with the Force.

 

Unconsciously, his hand reaches up and he traces her scar. It’s all he has left of her and it has become precious to him.

 

He leans forward, leaning his forehead against the viewport. He’s tired, he’s so tir-

 

“Ben?”

 

He whirls to find the impossible. He blinks quickly to dispel this phantom, but she’s still there.

 

“Rey …” he breathes out in wonder.

 

She’s luminescent, her form transparent but unmistakably Rey. He stands there, looking at her, unable to process what’s happening. She looks like she did the first day he saw her, before he understood … anything.

 

“Hello Ben.”

 

He flinches. That name is dead. It should mean nothing to him. But it does.

 

“I …” He can’t think what to say. Seeing her, her lovely face, her open eyes. He just wants to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness. Any scrap she’ll give him. But he just stands there, frozen. He opens his mouth to speak and then closes it again. He can’t believe she’s here, even like this.

 

“I know, I know … I’ve been watching,” she says cautiously.

 

He finally finds his voice. “Why ... why would you … come to me.” The self loathing is thick and bitter.

 

“You are suffering so, and I can’t … I can’t bear to see it. So here I am.” She shrugs. She seems almost embarrassed.

 

“Why would you care if I suffer? I deserve every bit of it.”

 

“Perhaps. But that you suffer shows so much about who you truly are. You wouldn’t be hurting like this if you didn’t know what you’ve done is wrong.”

 

He knows she’s not talking about her … death. “I thought killing Han Solo,” he sees her frown slightly and corrects himself, “My father, killing my father, I thought it would stop the pain.”

 

“I know that now. They told me. _He_ told me.”

 

He’s frozen in place. His father? She’s spoken to his father? He’s filled with questions, but he doesn’t know how long she’ll give him so he rushes on.

 

“But … you … I don’t know how to go on without you, Rey.”

 

“Oh Ben, we were only ever enemies,” she says sadly.

 

“No! That’s not true. I know it’s not true. I wasn’t alone in that feeling. I can’t have been,” he says brokenly.

 

She looks at him steadily. “We only ever _behaved_ as enemies, then.”

 

“So you did feel it?” he asks boldly.

 

“I felt … _something_. I wasn’t willing to examine it too closely. And now … well now it would only bring pain.” She looks down wistfully, twisting her hands together.

 

“But you’re here, you could come back … we could talk. Like I wish we had.” He draws close to her shimmering form.

 

She looks at him warily. “I … I don’t know that that’s a very good idea.”

 

“Please, Rey … let me find some kind of peace. Just having you here, I … I can’t explain it, but I feel warm for the first time in months. Please.” He smiles at her hopefully.

 

Her eyes widen. “I think that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile. It suits you.”

 

“I’ve had no cause to smile in a very long time,” he says bitterly.

 

“You could change that. You could go back.” Her eyes fill with hope.

 

He stiffens. “No. It’s too late for me now. What I’ve done … it’s too late.”

 

“It’s never too late. Your mother loves you.” She raises a hand, reaching out to him.

 

He snorts and shakes his head. “How could she possibly?”

 

“Because you’re her son. Nothing you can do can change that.”

 

“I’ve certainly tried though, haven’t I?”

 

“Yes … you have.”

 

She holds his eyes for a long moment and he wants to drown in them. Then she blinks and looks around furtively.

 

“I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about you. Please, let me learn who you are,” he entreats.

 

Rey looks down nervously. “There’s nothing really to tell … I lived on Jakku for 15 years then a year ago everything changed. I trained with Luke … tried to fight the First Order … failed …” she trails off, looking anywhere but him.

 

The reminder of his crime knifes through him. “I would do anything, give _anything_ to take back that day. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve imagined just throwing down my saber, taking your hand and running away with you.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes. “You think I would have just gone with you? Just like that? No, I’d have taken the opening and killed you.”

 

Kylo cocks his head. “No, I don’t think you would have.”

 

She blinks, looks away. “We’ll never know.”

 

“ _I_ know,” he murmurs. He draws even nearer and he reaches out, gliding his hand along the image of her cheek. He feels a slight tingle and she steps back, flustered.

 

“I … I should go,” she stammers.

 

“No, please, not yet.” Panic flares in his chest at the thought of her leaving.

 

“Yes, I only … I only came to try and give you peace.”

 

“I’ll only have peace if I know you’ll come back. Promise me you’ll come back,” he pleads.

 

She bites her lip and wraps her arms around herself. “Ben … it’s not … I don’t think they’ll like it.”

 

“I don’t care. Promise me,” he demands forcefully.

 

He looks at her desperately and whispers, “Please.”  

 

She finally nods once as she disappears into nothingness.

 

Kylo falls into a chair and holds his head in his hands. He just spoke with Rey!

 

And she’s going to come back.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy is ecstatic, he has a chance with Sunshine Kitty. But then Sunshine Kitty gets cold ghost feet and Murder Puppy is hanging on by a string.

He sleeps through the entire night. He hasn’t had a full night’s rest since … he’s not even sure. He’d fallen asleep to the memory of her luminous face and soft voice. Drifted away to the knowledge that he’s not lost her, even in this half way, he can still know her. 

Kylo strokes his scar and smiles. He feels laughter pushing against his chest. Rey had come to him, he’d spoken to her. She’d made it clear she doesn’t want him to suffer. She’d admitted she feels something for him. It’s more than he could have even conceived of.

Sometimes, in the small hours he’d beg the Force to give her back. He’d considered asking Snoke if there was a way. But he’d known that that would only have showed his hand, shown Snoke how much his conviction had faltered in the wake of two pivotal deaths. Deaths at his own hand …

No, he won’t think about that because now he has a chance to be with Rey. He doesn’t care that he can’t touch her. Well, no, that’s not true, he wants desperately to be able to hold her, kiss her … show her with his body how he feels … But this is already enough. This is miraculous. 

Kylo sighs, smiling a hopeful smile as he imagines her always with him. He would be able to talk with her, show her the galaxy, learn everything there is to know about her. A lifetime … he could have a lifetime with her. 

Soon, Rey will return to him and he will secure her agreement to come to him every day. He takes in a deep breath, reveling in that his chest doesn’t hurt any longer, the tight bands around his heart having fallen away.

\---

Two weeks. She makes him wait two weeks. At first he was a man reborn, alert, eager to train but also cautious. The First Order didn’t seem to fit him like it used to. Luckily it has been quiet lately and Snoke has had little need for the Master of the Knights of Ren. The killing of Han Solo had had one benefit: it had succeeded in finally quieting any doubts the old Muun had about Kylo Ren’s loyalty. Even Hux had been almost respectful for a time.

Then, as the days dragged on and she didn’t come he started to question his sanity. Had he dreamt her? Was his grief finally making him crack? Was his need for her so intense that his mind had splintered under the pressure? Had he conjured her with his devotion? She certainly  _ could  _ be a Force ghost, as she died in the light. But she also wasn’t a Jedi Master, perhaps that is necessary. The archives are silent on the subject. He remembers Skywalker telling him tales of Old Ben and Yoda … perhaps his desperate craving had pushed his subconscious to remember these stories and he truly is losing his mind.

But he remembers her so clearly! She behaved just the way he would have thought … Please let her have been real.  _ Please _ .

\---

When she comes to him again he’s just finished dinner. He’s looking unseeingly across the room and then she’s coalescing right in front of him.

She smiles at him sheepishly as he bursts up from his chair, sending it crashing to the floor as he rushes to her. “Rey!”

“Uhm. Hi?” She gives him a little wave then frowns and hides her arm behind her body. 

“Rey … I thought … I thought I’d imagined you. Why did you wait so  _ long _ ?” He cringes at the desperation in his tone.

She looks at the floor. “I wasn’t sure I was going to come back. Even though I promised,” she says guiltily. 

“Why not?” he asks, hurt that she even considered breaking her promise.

She looks up and chews on her bottom lip, eventually offering, “I still don’t think this is a very good idea. I shouldn’t … I shouldn’t encourage your feelings.”

He wishes he could reach for her, hold her. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change them.”

Her brows draw together in a worried expression. “I thought … if you knew I didn’t blame you, that I wasn’t angry with you, that maybe you’d be … okay.” She shrugs slightly.

“No, not when I know I can still have you in my life, even just like this.” He’s panicking. The days and days of doubt and need are derailing his reason, making him reckless. “Say you’ll keep coming. Every night. Say you’ll come every night,” he begs urgently.

Her eyes grow very wide. “I …” She turns away from him. 

He comes around her to stand in front of her. He watches her for a long moment. She’s hugging herself tightly and staring hard at the floor.

“Do you not want to? Truly?” he asks, his voice low and inviting.

“I  _ do  _ want to. That’s what scares me,” she whispers, keeping her head down.

“Why, why does it scare you?” He moves very close.

She finally looks up into his eyes, “Because … what kind of life is that for you? Trapped caring for someone you can’t even touch?”

“I more than care for you, Rey,” he murmurs.

She breathes in sharply and she swallows. “Oh.”

“Please, give me this, give me this time with you.” He can live,  _ thrive  _ on just this contact. He knows he can. He must have this.

“I don’t even know if I  _ like  _ you.” Her brow wrinkles and she looks away again.

“Well, if you decide you don’t, you can stop coming. Just give me this chance, sweetheart.”

Her eyes move swiftly to his. She looks almost frightened and he draws back. But then she moves forward, keeping the space between them scant.

He holds her eyes, silently pleading. They stand, looking at each other. Looking  _ into  _ each other. She huffs out a breath and her shoulders fall slightly. “Alright. I’ll come to you.”

“Every night?”

“You’re just going to get bored of me. I’m really not that interesting.”

“Every night?” he presses.

She sighs. “Yes, fine. Every night.” She peers up at him with an adorable little frown. “You really are exasperating.” 

“So I’ve been told,” he smirks.

“Cocky too.”

“Mmmm.”

Silence falls as they again just look at one another. Hesitantly, he lifts his hand and slowly brings his fingers to her face. He draws his hand across her cheek. “Can you feel that?”

She shudders. “It’s not quite feeling, more … like a flutter in my soul. It feels … nice.” She won’t meet his eyes.

“It feels nice for me, too,” he says, continuing to stroke the energy making up her face. It’s pleasant and fills him with warmth. 

He smiles down on her. “Tell me about Jakku.”

She looks at him nervously, but soon she does just that.

\---

They fall into a pattern, every evening she visits him. He learns everything he can about her. Stars, she’s brilliant. He had no idea how tremendous she really was and he tries not to let his guilt take him down during his precious hours with her.

But when he’s alone again, and he knows it’s his own hand that killed her … the shame is suffocating. He’ll take what he can get, but he aches to truly touch her. Every night he imagines what her skin would have felt like.

\---

“When you first came to me … you mentioned …  _ him _ ,” Kylo says. She always gets skittish when he asks about the particulars of where she is when she’s not with him, what it’s like.

They’re sitting on his couch in his quarters. Well, he supposes she’s not precisely sitting. But she shrinks back from him. “Oh … I really shouldn’t talk about that.”

Tonight he’s going to push her. He’s grown comfortable in her presence, and ease has developed. “Please? I … I need to know that he’s … alright.”

She smooths her hand over her hair and looks nervous. “I guess … I guess it would be okay.”

“How is it possible? He’s not Force sensitive. Wasn’t.” He flinches at the reminder that he’s killed both of them.

“Your mother,” Rey says softly. Then she catches his eyes. “They were so bonded in life that … well … he’s tethered to her.”

“Does he visit her?” Kylo asks eagerly. Somehow, this would all be less horrible if they could still be together, even only like this.

“No … he thinks she wouldn’t want to see him.”

“That’s ridiculous. She always waited for him, always missed him when I was a boy.”

“I think he’s … scared of her.”

Kylo snorts. “Everyone is scared of her.”

“I mean … scared of her grief, her pain.”

It suddenly hurts to breathe and Kylo closes his eyes briefly. “I never should have done it … I was so desperate, I just … Please … tell him I’m sorry.”

She smiles encouragingly. “He knows, Ben, he knows.”

Kylo scowls. “I wish you wouldn’t call me that.”

“It’s your name.”

“No, it’s not. I don’t deserve it anymore,” he says with venom. He looks away.

She reaches out and settles the projection of her hand over his and he shivers from the contact. She rarely instigates the only form of touch they have available. It’s nothing like feeling flesh, but he senses her and it comforts him. Finally he looks back at her.

“I don’t think that’s true. You didn’t stop being their child. Your mother, she spoke of you sometimes.”

“About how she was going to exact vengeance?” he asks sarcastically.

She withdraws her hand. He misses the contact but doesn’t say anything. 

“No … about how she wants you back.”

A yearning he hasn’t felt in a long time pulls at his heart. A part of him, a part he thought long dead … misses his mother. “Do you think that’s still true after … after … what I did to you?” The shame is hot and oppressive.

She holds his eyes steadily. “I do.”

Suddenly he’s consumed with the guilt and regret. “How can you bear to look at me, after what I did, after I … after I …”

“Killed me.”

“Yes,” he whispers.

“Because I see so much more now. I understand why you did it.”

“I don’t understand myself! How could I have been so blind? How could I have ever thought I hated you? You who are … everything to me. How could I do that to the only woman I’ve ever lo-”

“Stop,” Rey says swiftly. “Don’t say something you can’t take back.”

“I don’t want to take it back.”

“Oh Ben … nothing good can come of this. You can’t waste your life on a dead woman.”

“It wouldn’t be a waste. It could never be a waste. I would spend my life just like this.”

“You’d be happy with only this? We can never …  _ be  _ together.” She ducks her head, obviously embarrassed.  

“I’ll take it Rey … just being near you, talking with you, listening to you … it’s the only time I’ve ever felt at peace. Do you understand what a gift that is? A lifetime of torment is finally over because you’re here. I love you. How can you imagine being with you, even just like this, could ever be a waste?”

“I just … what about … you know.” She squirms slightly.

“I don’t care.”

“What about children, don’t you want children?”

“I don’t care.”

“What if you realize you’ve wasted all this time on me-”

“Stop. That’s not going to happen. Why are you trying to push me away?” he asks as he cups her face with his hands. Her eyes slide shut and she hums slightly.

Then her eyes open and he finds such vulnerability there. “Because I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“I … I …” Now her eyes begin to swim with tears.

“Rey, my love, what is it?”

“I’m scared because I … I’m …”

“Yes?” he coaxes.

“I’m falling in love with you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your response to this story! It inspired me to write the second chapter! 
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, I'm perrydowning over there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy and Sunshine Kitty discuss the realities of no touchy.

He stands blinking down on her. Has he heard her correctly? Did she really just say she's falling in love with him?

 

The need to crush her to him is intense. He wants to kiss her. He wants to feel her warm and solid in his arms. But all he can do is look at her in awe.

 

“You're falling in love with me?” he asks dumbly.

 

She smiles shyly. “Yes,” she says before ducking her head.

 

“No, sweetheart, no. Don't hide from me,” he says as he places to fingers on the image of her chin, urging her to look at him. Her form trembles but she lifts her face to his.

 

Her endless hazel eyes still capture him, even in translucent blue. He groans out, “Maker, I wish I could kiss you.”

 

“I know. I know,” she says sadly. She moves closer. “But … put your hands up.”

 

He has a moment of confusion then raises his hands, palms out. She places her hands against his, the warmth, the _light_ , tingles along his hands and he gasps. He can feel her. Her goodness, her kindness. It radiates through his hands and up his arms, making his whole body tremble. It’s not exactly erotic, but it’s quite intimate. A shiver runs down his body and he feels heat coil in his belly. It’s a tantalizing reminder that he _wants_ her as much as he loves her.

 

“I wish it was real. I wish I could touch you,” she breathes out, her pupils wide, mirroring his own arousal.

 

“I know, sweetheart, I know,” he says quietly. “But it's enough. It's enough.”

 

She leans forward and trails her lips along his fingertips.  It makes him shudder to see her lips move along him, imagining their soft, pink fullness traveling along his skin. They both sigh then hold each other's eyes. There's sorrow and joy in equal measure.

 

“You are so precious to me, Rey.”

 

She smiles but doesn't say anything. He just keeps looking at her. He can never get enough of seeing her winsome face and lively eyes.

 

Then she blinks. “It's getting late. I should let you rest.”

 

“No, please. Don't go. Not yet.” His tone is pleading.

 

“I've been here for hours.”

 

“I know but … I'm not ready. I _hate_ watching you disappear.”

 

She cocks her head. “I always come back.”

 

“I know … I just …” His hands flail.

 

She holds his eyes. “Remember what I said.”

 

She’s falling in love with him … perhaps she already has. “I will.”

 

“Goodnight, Ben.”

 

“Goodnight, beloved,” he says sadly.

 

She smiles so sweetly and then she's gone.

 

After baring their hearts so openly it feels unnatural to be parted. He should be carrying her to bed, showering her with kisses, joining their bodies as they’re joining their hearts. And he is the author of it all. He is the reason he cannot touch her.

 

His heart hurts and he already misses her.

 

\---

 

“The Resistance is growing bolder,” Hux fumes.

 

“Perhaps they feel they've nothing left to lose,” Kylo muses.

 

The general sneers. “If only that were true. The latest recruitment numbers would indicate they're _succeeding_ ,” he spits.

 

This should infuriate Kylo, but instead he feels a flare of happiness he ruthlessly suppresses. He tells himself it's only because it would please Rey.

 

“I shall leave you to it, General.” The day is nearly done and he doesn't like to keep her waiting.

 

“You've been rather eager to get to your quarters in the evenings,” Hux muses.

 

Kylo stiffens. “Research,” he says shortly and turns on his heel to get out of there as quickly as possible.

 

“If I didn't know better I'd say you had a woman!” Hux calls to Kylo's retreating back.

 

Kylo says nothing, but the insinuation that he's involved in something tawdry makes his blood boil. He doesn't like the idea of Rey being thought of as just a bit on the side. He would never treat her like that. Were she still alive he would … he would marry her. She’s been coming to him for weeks now, long enough to confirm everything he feels. He would make sure everyone respected Lady Ren. She would never be some kept woman for his pleasure. The thought sickens him.

 

Now he's frustrated. The idea that he can never make her his bride twists in his chest. He is to blame. He stole that from them both. He has to calm down.  He decides to take the long way to his quarters.

 

\---

 

When he arrives at his rooms she's already waiting for him, looking out on the stars. She turns towards him and gifts him with a brilliant smile. Then it falters.

 

“What's wrong? You're agitated.”

 

Damn. He'd hoped the long walk would have calmed him. “Hux said something … disagreeable,” he mutters.

 

She draws close to him and lifts her hand to his cheek. He smiles to feel the gliding energy. He moves forward and they lean their foreheads together, well, as much as they can.

 

“What did he say,” she asks gently.

 

He huffs out a breath. He doesn’t really want to tell her but the thought of keeping something from her is worse. “He suggested that I’m keeping a woman.”

 

Rey barks a laugh. “Well, you kind of are.”

 

“No!” he says swiftly. “No. Not like he meant.”

 

A strange expression flows across her face. “Rey?”

 

“I … I would understand if you … if you needed … someone else … for _that_.”

 

The thought horrifies him. ‘Never. I would never want that. I only want you.”

 

“But you can’t have me, not like that.”

 

“It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head firmly. If he can’t have Rey, he won’t disrespect her like that. No, he will make do with his hand.

 

“Of course it matters! How long can this go on? How long before you want someone you can touch and hold … make love to,” she whispers.

 

“Listen to me. I love you. How could I think of touching another woman when my heart belongs to you? It will always belong to you.”

 

Rey looks away, a deeply troubled expression on her face. “I just … do you really see us doing this for the rest of your life?” She looks back to him, her eyes vulnerable.

 

“Yes,” he says simply.

 

Her eyes widen. “Oh.”

 

He starts to get nervous, his thoughts of marrying her swirling around in his head. Perhaps she doesn’t see this the way he does. Permanent. “What do you want, Rey?”

 

“I want you to be happy.”

 

“ _You_ make me happy.”

 

“I want you to be whole.”

 

“I am, when I’m with you.”

 

She smiles. “You make me feel whole, too.” Then she frowns. “But you deserve to be touched … I had very little touch in my life, I don’t want that for you.”

 

“I can’t remember the last time anyone touched me, Rey. I prefer it that way, truly. Another woman … the thought … let’s not speak of it again.”

 

Her brows knit together in concern, but she finally nods her acceptance.

 

\---

 

He cajoles her into staying longer than she usually does, he’s feeling even closer to her after talking about being together. He feels a sense of … permanence. Like he could settle into this life. Believe in it. Count on it. Yes, it’s unorthodox. His love is a ghost, after all. But he has Rey and that’s all that matters.

 

“You’re barely staying awake, I’m going to go.”

 

“Stay.”

 

“What?”

 

“Stay, lie with me while I sleep.” He cocks his head. “Do you sleep?”

 

“It’s more like meditation, but yes.”

 

“Then stay.”

 

“I …” She looks around the room. “I … guess there’s no harm.”

 

“I just want to feel your energy next to me. It’s not the same as holding you, I know. But … it’s something and I want it. I want to sleep with you beside me. Please, my love.”

 

“Alright.”

 

\---

 

She hovers at the edge of his bedroom as he changes into his sleeping pants. He can see her blush even through the blue glow of her form. He smirks slightly but doesn’t remark on it.

 

He slides into bed and beckons to her. She pauses, then settles next to him. He can feel her along the entire length of his body and it’s wonderful. She’s here with him. She’ll be here all night. He’ll wake up to her smiling face.

 

He has Rey, that’s all he needs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much, you're just wonderful. I so appreciate your trust.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy and Sunshine Kitty explore the bounds of their physical relationship. *Hears Han in the distance: "That's not how the Force works!"*

Kylo wakes to her beautiful face and lovely eyes watching him. She blinks slowly then smiles a gentle smile he knows is just for him. He’s on his back and she’s on her side facing him.

 

“Good morning, sweetheart,” he says as he trails his fingers along the translucent blue that makes up the edge of her cheek. Waking next to her fills him with a soft warmth he’s never felt before. He feels so safe with her, like everything makes sense. The gnashing teeth and tearing claws quiet and he knows peace.

 

“Hi,” she says shyly. Then she places her hand on his chest and it makes him shiver. She trails her fingers along his naked flesh and a breathy moan escapes him. He feels himself respond to her proximity and the curve of her lips. His sleeping pants are thin and he shifts, trying to hide the growing evidence of his desire.

 

“It’s alright,” she murmurs. “I want … I … I want …” She hides her face behind his shoulder.

 

“What, what do you want?” He’s not sure he should dare to hope she’s suggesting what he thinks she is.

 

Her fingers go lower and her energy tingles along his belly, sinking deeper and making him pulse with need.

 

“Oh, Rey,” he breathes out.

 

She lifts her head and looks at him again, her eyes liquid with heat.

 

“Tell me, please tell me what you want,” he begs.

 

“I want … I want to … _see_.” Then she ghosts her hand along his length and his back arches from the sensation. It’s light, a flutter, but knowing that this is Rey’s energy moving along him makes him gasp.

 

“Maker, Rey, are you asking me to … with you here?”

 

A flare of confidence lights her eyes and she nods. “Mmmhmm.” Her smile goes from shy to suggestive and now he’s the one to feel trepidation.

 

He swallows thickly. He’s thought of her while doing this, of course he has. She’s all he thinks about. But the idea of her watching makes him feel young and awkward.

 

“I can’t give you what I want to, but … does that mean we can’t do other things? Does that mean … _that_ can never be part of what we have?” she asks, and he hears so much vulnerability. He turns on his side so he can look at her properly.

 

“Of course not … I just … I didn’t think you’d want that … I didn’t think you’d still have feelings … like that.”

 

“Well, I do,” she says shortly, and he realize he’s made her feel foolish.

 

“Shhh, I didn’t mean to embarrass you. I just … after what we talked about last night, when you suggested … others. I didn’t think … I didn’t think you wanted that.”

 

“Of course I do. Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I don’t still want you, all of you. But I can’t have that, so I wanted … something. I wanted to give you something because … honestly I can’t imagine what it would do to me if you did take another … lover.”

 

Kylo frowns. “Don’t put it like that. Like anyone could be another you. I told you, I want no one but you.”

 

“Then … let me share this with you. Please … I never … with anyone.”

 

“Not … anything?”

 

“When was I have meant to? Between nearly starving and living as a Jedi?” she asks reproachfully.

 

He feels the strangest conflict of feelings then. Such guilt that she died without knowing that experience and pleased there hadn’t been anyone … special. His own adolescent fumbling had never taken him far; he’s never known a woman in that way. But he had at least kissed and touched.

 

She’s curled in on herself and seeming very small and hurt.

 

“Rey, listen to me. I didn’t mean to make you feel any of these feelings. Of course I want to be with you, however I can. We may not be able to be together as we should have been, had I not …”

 

“No, don’t … don’t think about that.”

 

He takes a deep breath and tries again. “If you want us to share what we can, of course I want that. I just wasn’t expecting it. You must know that as soon as you leave me each night the first thing I do is lie back and think of you.”

 

Her eyes flit to his. “What do you think about?”

 

He grins wickedly. “I think about what’s under those wraps.”

 

A blush tinges her cheeks. “Would you like … would you like to see?”

 

“Oh, Force yes,” he says far too eagerly.

 

Her eyes go wide but then they glint with promise. She closes them and seems to concentrate and suddenly she’s entirely bare before him. He groans. Maker, she’s perfect. Her petite breasts jut out proudly, her waist dips before flaring into shapely hips. Her legs are long and strong. But it’s the apex of curls, hiding her away, that makes his mouth water.

 

His eyes roam over her form hungrily. Her skin looks so soft and he aches to feel her against him. But all he can do is look at her, and it’s so much more than he deserves.

 

“Uhm … this is a little unfair, don’t you think?” she prods and he realizes he’s just been staring.

 

“Right, sorry. You’re just so beautiful, Rey,” he says sincerely.

 

“I’m not too skinny?” she asks self-consciously.

 

“Stars, no. You’re perfect, utterly perfect.” Then he shifts and begins to remove his sleeping pants. Her nakedness has brought his erection roaring back to life and it’s his turn to feel a little strange about baring himself. But he takes a deep breath and reveals himself to her.

 

Rey’s eyes go wide and her hand lifts, reaching forward. But then she looks up at him and snatches her hand back.

 

“It’s alright,” he encourages.

 

She smiles a little smile and he shudders as he feels her light travel along his hardness. It’s not like being touched so much as it feels like their energies are melding.

 

“Oh, you feel different here … hotter … more intense. Concentrated.”

 

He smirks. “Well, they do say men tend to think with their-”

 

“Oh stop. I don’t mean that … it’s like you’re more vibrant here. It feels … amazing,” she says in awe.

 

Her energy stroking him is doing something to him. It couldn’t get him there, but it is her and he loves it. Kylo moves his hand towards the light of her breast and pauses. “May I?”

 

“Oh, yes.”

 

He strokes a nipple and it’s her turn to gasp. “Oh!” The most peculiar thing happens—she flashes bright white as he moves his fingers over the outline of her breast.

 

It’s captivating.

 

“Tell me what you feel,” he begs raggedly. There’s something about the energy building between them that is heady and makes his head spin.

 

“Warm, I feel warm.” Her eyes darken. “Touch yourself, I want to see you touch yourself,” she says boldly.

 

He doesn’t have to be asked twice and he begins to stroke himself. She doesn’t move her hand and her fingers merge with his. “Oh! I can feel you,” she calls out in surprise. He can almost feel her too, somehow their hands have merged and it doesn’t feel like his hand at all moving up and down his cock.

 

He throws his hand back and increases the pace. “You feel so good in my hand,” she calls out, panting beside him.

 

Heat is growing in his belly and the twin sensation of their fingers moving together is stealing his ability to think. There’s only Rey. He looks at her blearily and she’s beginning to glow intensely, rimmed with gold instead of blue.

 

He strokes faster and now she’s making little gasping noises that go straight to his center. He’s so close. Up their hands go, back down, one, two, three and he’s gone, calling out her name as ropes of his release splatter on his chest.

 

“Ben!” she gasps and for a moment she’s blinding in her intensity. Then slowly she returns to her luminous blue. Her eyes are huge. He doesn't even care that she used his old name. He decides right then she can call him anything she wants.

 

“What was that?” she asks, almost fearfully.

 

“I don’t … I don’t know. What did you feel?”

 

“Tightness, release, pleasure. Maker, Ben, it felt so _good_.”

 

“I think … I think you felt my orgasm. I think … when we merged through our hands … I think you feel what I feel.”

 

“That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt,” she declares. “When can we do it again?” she asks eagerly.

 

“Oh my love,” he chuckles. He brushes his knuckles against her cheek and lies back down. “Give me a minute.”

 

She settles next to him, laying her face against his chest. It’s pleasant and he feels the closest to her he’s ever felt.

 

After a long moment she asks, “Like a _minute_ minute or twenty minutes?”

 

He barks out a laugh. Clearly he’s going to have to share with her the disappointing reality of male anatomy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Juulna, for the super speedy beta. I went into new territory and wanted to make sure it wasn't utterly ridiculous.
> 
> Thank you, readers! The response to this story has been marvelous and I'm so glad you're on board!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunshine Kitty wears out Murder Puppy and he's a bit late to work. Fussy Ferret has some choice words for Murder Puppy and, uh oh, Vicious Vulture comes to check on his apprentice.

Kylo enters the bridge quietly, aware that it’s past mid-day. He’s pleasantly exhausted and his heart is bursting with memories of Rey. She’d been quite … insistent and he honestly didn’t know he could manage so many times in just a few hours. She wouldn’t leave him alone until he had pointed out how long she’d been with him, then she’d looked almost afraid, realizing how long she’d been away.

 

He’d asked her why it mattered and she’d grown furtive. But then she’d joined her hand with his and asked him to bring it to her lips. When he had, he’d felt her kiss the tips of his fingers. Then she’d asked him to hold his fingers to his lips and he’d returned her gentle kiss. “There,” she’d said. “Now it’s like I’ve kissed you goodbye.”

 

It was such an achingly sweet gesture that he’d stopped thinking about her trepidation. He sighs behind his helmet. He’s so in love with her. She’s everything to him and he’d hated leaving her. He’d asked her to stay until he was gone, not wanting to watch her disappear. He can almost pretend she’s still in his quarters, waiting for him.

 

“So nice of you to join us,” Hux says snidely.

 

Kylo almost jumps. He hadn’t noticed the ginger irritant approach which disturbs him. Rey has him horribly distracted. But maybe that’s alright, just this once. He smiles as he remembers how she’d whimpered out his name the third time they shared his release.

 

“Ren, are you even paying attention?”

 

“I didn’t realize you’d said something that required a response.” _This_ he knows. _This_ he can do on autopilot.  He’s quite comfortable with taking his swipes at Hux.

 

Hux’s expression sharpens and his eyes narrow. “Perhaps the arrival of the Supreme Leader will _require a response_.”

 

Now this does get Kylo’s attention. “And when is he due to arrive?”

 

“We got word this morning, which you would have known, _had you been here_. The Supreme Leader arrives this evening. He made it plain you were to greet him upon his arrival.”

 

Usually, Kylo would have been eager to see his master, ready to lord it over Hux that it was he, Kylo Ren, who had been asked to welcome their leader and not the lowly bastard general. But all he can think is that he won’t be there when Rey arrives and he has no way to tell her.

 

His throat closes as he realizes he won’t be there after they’d share such intimacies. Oh, Maker, what will she think? He starts to panic and his fists clench.

 

“Why, Ren, one would think you were unhappy to see our esteemed leader. Perhaps he’s noticed you’ve been … distracted,” he says with a curled lip.

 

Damn, damn, damn. If Hux has noticed his behavior then the Supreme Leader must have as well.

 

“Of course, you were so despondent after you finally dispatched that little desert whore, I’d question your loyalty if you hadn’t clearly found new … entertainment.” Hux’s tone drips with disdain.

 

It takes every scrap of Kylo’s questionable control to keep from Force choking Hux. How dare he speak of Rey with such disrespect? But he’s beginning to perceive that this visit might portend a difficult conversation with his master and the growing concern keeps him from showing his rival just how little he thinks of him

 

“I’ve proven my loyalty time and again, Hux. Tell me, how did you last show our Supreme Leader your loyalty? Was it when you fled _Starkiller_ as it crumbled into dust at Resistance hands?”

 

“You ungrateful bastard, I sav-”

 

“I think we both know that particular moniker is reserved for you,” Kylo sneers, striding off the bridge, leaving a sputtering Hux in his wake.

 

His boots eat up the corridors as he tries to rein in his rising panic. He hates that she’ll think he’s ignoring her after she’d allowed him to see her like that, after they’d shared something so singular. She’d been so happy—wild and free like she’s meant to be.

 

And what of his master? Will he be able to hide Rey from him? He knows the Supreme Leader would never approve. He’s thought such traitorous thoughts since he’d killed her. He grimaces beneath his mask at the reminder of what he did to his beloved. In his depression he’d begun to question everything.

 

Adding to his already questionable thoughts, he’s been basking in her light for weeks now. Will his master be able to sense it on him? Smell it like the taint he ought to think of it as? But it feels so good to be with her. Reconciling with the light has brought him only peace. Nothing makes sense, nothing but Rey, now.

 

He returns to his quarters and can’t help the little bubble of hope that she’d still be within, waiting for him. But of course she’s gone. He goes to his meditation room and sits across from Grandfather’s mask. He has to suppress a shiver of revulsion as he sees it through Rey’s eyes for a moment. He quickly strangles the perplexing reaction and begins to meditate. He must clear his mind before his master’s arrival.

 

\---

 

“Kylo Ren,” Snoke intones as he steps out of his shuttle, flanked by his fiery red guards.

 

“Master,” Kylo says, kneeling deeply.

 

“Rise, Apprentice. Walk with me to my quarters.” Snoke sounds almost genial and it puts Kylo on edge. His master is rarely in such good spirits and he senses a trap. But he does as he’s told and stands fluidly, taking his place at his master’s right.

 

The procession begins to move towards the opulent quarters set aside for the Supreme Leader. Each Star Destroyer has them and, privately, Kylo thinks it’s an absurd waste of space.

 

He takes in Snoke’s long, golden robes and wonders again at the conflict between the monastic existence he espouses and the physical comfort he relishes in. It didn’t used to bother him, his master’s ways were not for him to question. But now … now he can’t help but wonder what other hypocrisies might be hiding behind that mangled face.

 

“Tell me, Apprentice, how have you fared since you vanquished your little desert rat?”

 

Kylo is grateful for the mask that hides the fury in his eyes to hear Rey spoken of like that. “Well, Master. I am no longer plagued by her.” Left quivering with want, yes, plagued no.

 

“Yes, she did seem to get your blood up. I _had_ been concerned that you were more interested in bedding her than dispatching her,” he says airily.

 

“I am free of the hatred that distracted me,” Kylo says. After the many years he’s served Snoke, he’s learned it’s best to lie with the truth.

 

“Hmm,” is all Snoke says.

 

The Supreme Leader keeps his silence the remainder of the trip. At his entryway he turns to Kylo. “Come, I wish to speak with you in private.”

 

Supreme Leader never wants to speak with him without at least his guards present. Either he finally trusts him not to get ideas of the Sith of old and end his master or he wants no ears to overhear. Either choice leaves Kylo hollow. He should be elated at this, this show of trust. But it just feels like strangling vines wrapping around him. He has a terrifying thought. If his master knew of Rey, could he harm her in some way?

 

The doors slide shut behind them and Kylo is left looking up on his master’s skeletal form.

 

“You have served me well, Kylo Ren,” Snoke begins. “I was of a mind to complete your training.”

 

Was. Kylo’s heart sinks. This is not going to go well for him.

 

“However,” his master continues. “It has come to my attention that in the weeks following your latest triumph, ridding the galaxy of that upstart Jedi, you seem to have lost your lust for battle. General Hux reports that you have not been performing as you usually do. More concerning still, he says that recently you’ve been hiding away in your quarters every evening. No sightings of you prowling the corridors as you usually do.” Snoke stops speaking and looks at him.

 

Kylo is unsure if he should speak but the silence stretches as his mind spins. Finally he offers, “Research, Master. I have been researching the Jedi in an attempt to find Skywalker.” It sounds like an excuse because it is one.

 

“The general thinks you have a women. But that couldn’t possibly be it. My First Knight would not have his head so easily turned by carnality.”

 

This had been true. But after this morning Kylo knows his body is ruled by Rey and he doesn’t know what to say.

 

Snoke raises a ruined brow. “Is it true? A woman?” he asks, clearly surprised.

 

“No, I have not been taking a woman to bed, if that is what you’re asking, Master.” Which is true. Mostly.

 

“Then what? Research? When we have countless drones to do that for you?” Contempt and doubt slither around his tone.

 

“I … it’s true that killing the scavenger did not bring me the peace I sought. I’ve been meditating deeply on why that is. It came to me one night that I need a worthy foe and so I’ve been trying to find Skywalker, to give myself purpose.”  The ease with which the lies spin out from Kylo’s mouth surprises him. He doesn’t think Snoke could hurt Rey in her current form, but he can’t know for sure and he finds the desperation has him thinking quickly.

 

The Supreme Leader tilts his head, appraising Kylo. Eventually he nods. “This I understand, you have always run on hatred. You must, therefore, have something to hate. One wonders why you did not consider Leia Organa,” his master muses and something deep in Kylo freezes. He wouldn’t. Not after Han Solo. Please, no. He can’t. He can’t end the last life that matters to him.

 

“Do not despair, my Apprentice. I won’t ask that of you. Yet. You are dismissed,” he says waving his hand with an air of boredom.

 

Kylo’s almost to the door when the lighting strikes. He didn’t see it coming and it skitters along every nerve ending. He wasn’t prepared and he goes to his knees almost immediately. Snoke stalks around his shaking form and increases its intensity.

 

“Kylo Ren, why did you lie to me?” Snoke snarls.

 

“I didn’t!” Kylo gasps, hoping he can keep the facade strong.

 

“Still you persist!” Snoke hits him with another wave, and stars it hurts. It feels like every molecule in his body is being pulled apart. Fire races along his veins and then he feels it. Snoke is pushing into his mind and Kylo walls Rey away as fast as he can.

 

Methodically Snoke pulls away his secrets. “Ah, I see … you _did_ want her. Oh, oh this is pathetic. You’ve been mourning the scavenger?” Snoke laughs, it’s a terrifying sound.

 

Snoke’s claws dig deeper into his mind. “No, it cannot be true. You think you _love_ her. Master of the Knights of Ren thinks he’s in love with a dead woman,” he taunts.

 

The lighting begins again and Kylo’s mind is desperately trying to find some explanation that shields Rey. Now he’s writhing on the floor and he’s beginning to wonder if Snoke is going to kill him. He can’t die, not in the dark. He’d never see Rey again. She’d spend her eternity without him and he can’t allow that to happen. He has a mad thought.

 

“Wait, you’re right, Master, you’re right!” he pants out between bouts of lightning.

 

“Are you ready to tell me the truth, Apprentice?”

 

“Yes, Master, yes,” he says, infusing his tone with defeat. Please let this work.

 

“Then go on, tell me,” Snoke commands.

 

“You’re right, I do love Rey. I’ve been researching, trying to find a way to bring her back. I can’t live without her,” he offers. It’s even true. He had tried to find a way but had realized she would be corrupted by any of the ancient rituals.

 

“If only you’d come to me with this. I could have helped you channel these unfortunate feelings properly. Pain, heartache, all can be used to fuel the dark side. It’s a shame you did not trust me.”

 

“I'm sorry, Master. I was wrong!”

 

“Yes, you were.” Snoke waves his hand and his guards come in.

 

Snoke turns away as he orders, “Strip him to the waist. You know the protocol.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep on with this weird no beta thing because I'm basically writing and posting. I take so much time with Thwarted it's kinda fun to just go 'F it, I'm posting'. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading! I do so appreciate your time, kudos, and comments!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy wakes up to a thoroughly freaked out Sunshine Kitty and in serious need of medical attention. But Sunshine Kitty has a trick up her sleeve.

“-en! Ben, oh Maker Ben! Please open your eyes!” He hears her pleading voice through the red haze of pain. He tries to respond, her panic tears at him, but he can’t seem to move or speak. It feels like he’s on his bed. He must be in his rooms, how else would Rey be here?

 

His back is on fire, Snoke’s men had been _thorough_. This is not the first time this has happened. But it _is_ the first time he's regained consciousness in his quarters and not the med bay. Clearly Snoke wishes to prolong his suffering.

 

“Please, please wake up,” Rey sobs, her voice thick with tears.

 

He feels her energy skimming along his back, warm, loving.  It lessens the pain. He reaches deep into himself, but he’s still not able to move yet.

 

“Why did they do this to you? Oh, Force, you have to wake up. You can't leave me.” Her voice is shaking and he's trying so hard to open his eyes. He doesn't want her so frightened.

 

Finally he croaks out, “Rey …”

 

“Ben! Thank the Force. I was so scared. “ He feels her energy run along his arm and cheek and his lips twitch into an almost smile. “Who did this to you? _Why_ did they do this to you?” Her quiet voice quavers.

 

He finds the strength to open his eyes slightly. He's on his stomach, lying in his bed as he’d thought. He sees Rey’s huge, terrified eyes. She’s crouched next to him, her head inches from his. Her beautiful face is twisted with fear and worry; glittering, translucent tears cascade down her cheeks.

 

“Snoke. Displeased,” he gasps out.

 

“Wait, I’m sorry. Don't talk, save your strength,” she says, her voice calming somewhat.

 

He tries to turn towards her but the pain is blinding. He bites his lip to keep from screaming. His eyes slide shut again.

 

“Stop! What are you doing! Stay still, please, love, stay still.” He hears her sniffle lightly and he hates that he's made her cry.

 

“What … happened,” he grits out.

 

Rey sighs. “Stubborn man. You were late, very late. I thought … well it doesn't matter now-”

 

“ _Never_.” He forces his eyes to open again and pins her with his stare. “Never think that again.” He knows she must have thought that he'd rejected her.

 

She blinks at him then runs her fingers’ energy along his cheek. He hums in relief at the balm of her contact. “I won't.” She takes a deep breath. “I was waiting … I didn't want to believe …”

 

“Never,” he repeats.

 

She smiles gently. “Then the door opened. I think I saw them before they say me. I was able to make myself invisible in time. I hope.”

 

“Who's ‘they’?” he manages before his body is wracked with spasms. Aftershocks from the lightning.

 

He clenches his teeth and rides out the agony. His eyes are closed tightly against the pain. He feels his back split and blood ooze.

 

“Ben! What's happening? Dammit, why can't I touch you!” she exclaims, frustration riding her tone.

 

Finally it stops and he pants out, “Force lightning. Goes away in a few hours.”

 

She's silent so he makes himself open his eyes again. Her expression is hard and her gaze flicks to his.

 

“This has happened before,” she says with no inflection.

 

“Yes,” he says simply. Snoke has always demanded the best from him. Made him strong. But this time … this time had seemed almost petty.

 

Her eyes flash and her lips purse but she says nothing. She looks away for a long moment. He focuses on breathing, trying to channel the pain.

 

“Who’s ‘they’?” he repeats.

 

Her brow furrows. “Stormtroopers. They dragged you in here and dropped you on your bed. They were quite rough,” she says with disapproval.

 

Stormtroopers. Typically Snoke didn’t allow the rank and file to know of his debasement. This is a … troubling turn. He finds her eyes again.

 

She looks back at him and her eyes are brimming with concern and a hint of trepidation. “This is bad. You need help and … I … Maker I hate this … I can’t help you!” she exclaims.

 

“Shhh, my darling. Just having you here is enough. Stay with me while I heal.”

 

“Nothing could pull me from your side,” she says fiercely but there’s something in her eyes. Then her face crumples. “I was so scared when you wouldn’t wake up. I couldn’t _do_ anything!”

 

“It doesn’t matter. I’m here, I’m awake. I’ll be alright.”

 

“No, you need medical attention.” Then her face lights up. “Ben … do you remember how to Force heal, from before?”

 

He flinches. He doesn’t like to remember when he was Jedi. “It’s been a long time,” is all he says. He’s read of using the dark side to heal but he has no practical experience. And he … he doesn’t want to expose Rey to what it costs.

 

“I can’t very well slather bacta on your back and I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to materialize in the med bay to bring someone. But this … you need help.”

 

“I’ll be able to make it there myself, just give me some time.” Just then another round of aftershocks hits and his teeth clack together as he convulses.

 

“No, please. Please. Why is this happening? Please,” Rey whispers brokenly, pleadingly.

 

Eventually it stops and he tastes the copper of blood. He’s bitten his tongue.

 

“Oh, Ben,” she says with such sorrow. “We can’t wait for you to be able to walk. Please. You have to try to reach for the light, heal yourself.”

 

“No,” he growls.

 

“Please, just this once. Try. For me.”

 

He’d never been particularly good at Force healing, but he had been able to manage it. Once. He doesn’t want her to worry and he also has no desire to reach for the light so he tries again to move. If he could just get to the console, he could request assistance. His muscles spasm from the strain. The lightning. He won’t be able to move under his own power for hours yet. Perhaps days.

 

She holds his eyes and he feels himself being drawn into their beautiful depths. “Please,” she begs. “Don’t make me watch you suffer like this.”

 

He sighs. He doesn’t think he’s in mortal peril. But he also can’t stand the look on her face. She looks so afraid. He realizes it’s a pointless battle. He’ll do anything for her.

 

“Alright Rey, alright.”

 

Her shoulders fall in profound relief. “Thank you,” she murmurs.

 

She reaches out and merges her hand with his and it anchors him in a way he can hardly describe. He closes his eyes and he remembers. He remembers how he used to find peace in the center of the storm. Encouraging blue eyes strike at him from the halls of memory and he shunts them aside. He can do this without reaching for his old master.

 

_There is no emotion, there is peace._ At first there is nothing, no response. He’s so tempted to reach for the pain, to use it to bend the Force to his will. He snarls in frustration.

 

“Shhh,” she says. “There is no emotion, there is peace,” she offers, encouragingly.

 

He breathes in deeply and begins again. This time he says the words out loud. Finally, the Force eddies around him.  

 

“There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.”  It doesn’t whip about him like a wild thing, not like he’s used to and it almost pushes him from the growing, humming power.

 

“There is no passion, there is serenity.” Now, now it’s singing and he focuses its power on his back, feeling a liquid warmth burbling along his skin. He tries, he truly does.

 

He pushes the healing energy through his limbs and he feels the pain dampen slightly, but then the Force skitters away. His brow is slick with sweat and he’s panting into his pillow.

 

He opens his eyes, about to admit defeat when he feels her hand move from his and to his back. She starts to chant, “There is no chaos, there is harmony.” Her hands sink into his ruined flesh and out of the corner of his eye, he sees that she’s glowing again.

 

“There is no death, there is the Force,” she intones, growing brighter.

 

The Force is swirling around him, and it feels like home. “There is no death, there is the Force,” he chants with her.

 

It shifts from warmth to a comforting coolness, as if he’s lying in a stream. It moves along him, through him and the tremors subside, his abused muscles becoming whole. Then he gasps as he feels the skin on his back begin to knit back together. “There is no death, there is the Force,” they continue together.

 

He turns his head to look at her fully. She’s blinding in her intensity and her eyes are closed. Somehow, she’s channeling the Force through him, using their Force signatures together to draw the healing mercy of the Force into his body. Is there anything she can’t do?

 

“There is no death, there is the Force,” she says one last time before drawing pack, pulling her hands from him.

 

She blinks and looks down on his back, smiling. “It worked. Oh, Ben, it worked!”

 

He stretches and is shocked at how good he feels. He moves his hand to his back and finds the skin smooth and unmarred. He’s certain Snoke had meant for him to scar this time and he has a moment of fear. What will his master think when he finds Kylo whole?

 

She moves her hands along his back and hums her happiness. He shivers at the feel of her trailing energy.

 

“Thank you,” he breathes out. “How …” He doesn’t even try to hide the wonder.

 

“I don’t know. I just thought … if we could join for pleasure … maybe …”

 

“It might work for healing.”

 

She looks almost sheepish. “Yeah.”

 

“You’re brilliant,” he says, his heart full of love and pride.

 

“Well I am made of the Force, after all,” she says, smiling.

 

“No, truly Rey. You are magnificent. I want to wrap you in my arms and never let go.”

 

Her smile falters. “I wish you could. I was so scared. I can’t express how much I need to be able to touch you right now. To feel your healed skin under my hands.” Her eyes are haunted.

 

He rolls over onto his back, “Come here, rest your head on my chest.”

 

She nods and joins him, doing just as he’d bidden. He strokes the blue outline of her hair and sighs at the feeling of her energy against him, sighing at the pleasant tingle in his fingertips as he continues to mimic holding her close.

 

“I was so scared,” she whispers.

 

“I know you were, I know.”

 

“If you died … in the dark …”

 

“I know. It’s all I could think of while it was happening. How I would lose you forever.”

 

He hears her shudder out a breath. “I can’t … I can’t face that.”

 

“You won’t. I won’t let anything happen to me. I promise. I will never leave you, Rey.”

 

“You can’t promise that.”

 

He let’s out a long breath. There’s nothing he can say to that. She’s right. He’s damned them to being parted, if not tomorrow, then someday.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says sincerely.

 

“I know.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wild no beta experiment continues. Special desserts for JuliaAurelia. Thanks for the assist, m'dear!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has decided to give this fic a try even with the difficult premise. I appreciate everyone's trust. And of course, thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunshine Kitty has an epic idea and Murder Puppy is left in awe of her once more.

The first thing he realizes is that he can feel Rey’s weight against him. He looks over and finds her, miraculously _solid_ , tucked against his side. He’s still on his back and her head is on his chest, but his bedroom doesn’t look quite right.

 

What? _How_? His mind is racing, trying to understand what’s happening. Oh, Maker, he has Rey in his _arms_. He’s _holding_ her, finally holding her. He looks down to find her face and she smiles an incandescent smile up at him.

 

“It worked!” she crows as she snuggles into his side, one of her slender arms going around his waist. It feels _amazing_.

 

“What worked?” he asks in awed confusion. He can truly _feel_ her. His hand shakes as he cups her face with his hand. Her skin is so soft under his trembling fingers, so much better than he’d imagined.

 

Her eyes slide shut and a reverent, “Oh …” falls from her inviting pink lips. She's right here, _whole_. He wants to cover her body with his and kiss every place he can see.

 

She opens her eyes and his throat is tight. He's able to truly see their perfect hazel, untinged with translucent blue. There’s so much sensation, he feels every single point where their bodies touch.

 

“Rey, what is this? How?” His voice cracks and he has to swallow down tears of joy. Being able to feel her like this, it’s beyond his wildest fantasies. He’d never, for one moment, imagined he’d ever be able to actually hold her. He’d been content with her lively mind, her enticing energy—and utterly thrilled with their recently discovered intimacy. But this … this is outside of his comprehension.

 

“You fell asleep. I wondered if I joined with you, if maybe I could enter your dreams. So I did!” Her eyes are dancing with pride and glee.

 

He's seized with the fear that this really is only a dream, that she's not genuinely here with him. He's dreamt of her countless times, but never like this. This feels fatally _real_. “Is this truly happening? Are you actually here? Maybe I've made this up out of desperation.” Please let this be real, oh Force, _please_.

 

“It's real. I promise. I'm here with you.” She smiles and tentatively runs her hand through his hair.

 

Kylo’s whole body thrums with heat at the incomparable feeling of her fingers gliding along his scalp. “Oh, Rey,” he groans.

 

He wraps her in his arms completely and finally, finally knows what it feels like to hold her the way he’d always imagined. Nothing has ever felt nearly so good as her warm body held fast to his side.

 

She's so much smaller than he is and he loves how he can completely envelop her in his embrace. He nuzzles against her crown and realizes he can smell her scent. He's overwhelmed and utterly intoxicated. The last time he'd had her in his arms was when he'd … He flinches at the memory and tightens his hold further.

 

“Hey, hey, I'm not going anywhere,” her muffled voice protests. He realizes he has her face pressed against his chest uncomfortably and he relaxes his arms a fraction.

 

“I'm sorry. I was remembering the last time I held you. As I was losing you … when I ...”

 

“Oh.” She pulls away slightly and shifts up his body so that her face is inches from his.

 

They've never really talked about that day.  He's told her how much he hates what he did but not how much he despises himself for it. She doesn't like when he talks about it.

 

“I'm so sorry,” he whispers, afraid it would come out a sob if he tried to truly speak. There’s something about the juxtaposition of how she’d felt with the life leaving her and having her vibrant and alive in his arms that has his mind scrambling for purchase.

 

“I know you are. I know.” Her eyes are sad but full of forgiveness.

 

“I took _everything_ from you.” He strokes his hand through her lovely mane of hair and it feels so wonderful between his fingers.

 

“And gave me everything in return.” Her fingers trace patterns along his naked chest that he can feel deep in his core.

 

“I want to. I want to give you everything,” he says, his tone wrapped in his devotion.

 

“Then you can start by kissing me,” she says, looking both bold and shy at the same time. It's incredibly endearing and it snaps him from the past.

 

“You want … you want me to kiss you?”

 

She rolls her eyes. “Of course I want you to kiss me.”

 

Kylo smiles and runs a hand up her side, bringing it to join the other in her hair. His eyes go to her delicate lips and he's very aware that this will be her first kiss. She blinks at him slowly.

 

Gently, he rolls them over so that she's on her back. He hovers over her, looking into her gorgeous eyes. They're so open and trusting.

 

One hand is still buried in her hair and with the other he strokes her cheek lightly with his fingertips. She's warm and soft and he can't quite believe he's being given this gift.

 

Slowly, so slowly, he closes the distance between them. Her eyes shut at the last moment and his do, too. Gently he catches her lips with his and kisses her so sweetly. It’s a bit awkward. Her from her complete lack of knowledge and he because he hasn't done this in a very long time and he'd not had much experience to begin with.

 

But instinct takes over and their lips fit together so perfectly. He tilts his head so that he can deepen the kiss and oh _it is glorious._ Kissing had never felt like this, like he's losing and finding himself in the honey of her mouth.

 

She’s so inviting and he wants to taste more of her but he doesn't want to push her. Even though they've been far more intimate, this feels different. Sacred.

 

He draws back and she follows him, whimpering in disappointment, recapturing his lips. Then she's the one leading, heat infusing each movement of their mouths together. His head is spinning with the delicious chaos she's creating with her insistent caresses.

 

Kylo almost yelps when she shifts and wraps her legs around his waist and does groan when he feels himself settle between the heat at the apex of her thighs.

 

A surprised gasp escapes him when she pulls him against her with her legs and she completely scrambles his brain when she takes the opportunity to flick her tongue between his parted lips. This is escalating quickly and before he really understands what's happening he's stroking his tongue against hers and thrusting back against her.

 

Oh, Force, she feels like home and every wicked thought he's ever had. He'd never been willing to imagine more than her naked body, not wanting to take, even in the privacy of his mind.

 

But now, after they'd shared his body as they had, it's all too easy to imagine her bare and writhing beneath him.

 

He growls and rips his lips from hers, looking down on her just long enough to see her flushed face and plump lips before he descends on her neck. He kisses and sucks, licks and nibbles. He wants to devour her whole. He’s never felt like this, so consumed by desire. He can’t think, he can only keep touching her. To have her solid under his hands after weeks and weeks of yearning has awakened something in him.

 

She's panting and making little keening noises that only spur him on. She has him harder than he's ever been and the delicious friction between them is making his whole body tingle with lust. And something more, something deeper, stronger.

 

He needs to kiss her again and he crushes his lips to hers. He could kiss her forever. Kissing her. He’s kissing her. He’s reminded what kissing her means, that until a few minutes ago she’d never been kissed and he stills. He gentles his movements and pulls back, looking into her wide, glassy eyes.

 

“What, what’s wrong?” she asks, blinking in confusion.

 

“Nothing, nothing’s wrong. I just want to slow down a bit.”

 

“But why,” she nearly whines as she rubs herself against him. His eyes roll back in his head and he groans low in his throat.

 

“Please,” he begs, his voice thick. He’s barely holding onto this higher level of thought and he won’t be able to stay here much longer if she keeps _moving_ like that.

 

She stops pressing herself so urgently against his length and her eyes are beginning to clear.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks again.

 

“Oh, love. Nothing is wrong. I promise. I just … we’ve only just discovered this and I don’t want it to overwhelm my reason. _Our_ reason. It would be so easy to take this too far.” He smooths her hair back from her face and kisses both of her cheeks chastely.

 

“I’m not entirely opposed to that,” she grumbles.

 

“Well, I am. I’m not going to go from kissing you for the first time to taking your virginity in the span of 15 minutes.” Never mind that he’d be divesting himself of his own. In a manner of speaking.

 

“Even if I wanted you to?” She gives him a downright dirty little smirk.

 

His cock twitches _very_ hopefully at that and he has to mercilessly suppress the rather large part of him that wants him to please shut up and do as the lady asks.

 

He has to put at least a little distance between them. He rolls on his back and gathers her in his arms, stopping once she’s tucked under his chin and he’s stroking her hair. He loves the feel of her hair.

 

“This is very new and I didn’t ever think I would be able to hold you, let alone make love to you. _I_ need some time to adjust.” And he finds it’s not an excuse. Somehow, sharing his pleasure with her before, it had still fundamentally been his hand touching himself. _Very_ familiar territory. There’s a vulnerability here and he knows once this line is crossed … somehow he knows it means so much more than what’s already between them.

 

He’s been moving away from the dark for a while now, and if he were to literally join with the light in this way … there would be no turning back. He knows he’s going to. He knows he will share this with her. Snoke’s recent treatment has made this step so much easier than it should be. But … he’s not ready to face what it all truly means for him. Not yet.  

 

“Please. Let me hold you. Just hold you.”

 

“No kissing?” she asks in a small voice.

 

“Oh, no, love. I don’t mean that.” He shifts and kisses her again, but keeps it from spiraling. It’s still a level of bliss he truly hadn’t known existed. He’s touching her!

 

They keep a languid pace and their hands explore each other. He can’t seem to stop himself from constantly reassuring himself that he’s truly able to touch her. Finally he slows their caresses and just looks into her eyes.

 

He strokes her cheeks and he’s sure his face is full of pure adoration. “You’re so beautiful.”

 

She turns her head shyly and mumbles, “Thank you.”

 

“No, don’t hide. Even in the woods on Takodana I thought you were the most breathtaking creature I’d ever seen.”

 

“You did?” Her brows shoot up in surprise.

 

“I did. I could simply look at you for hours.” He recalls how he’d done just that, waiting at her feet for her to waken, unwilling to prod her with the Force.

 

“Well that would get pretty weird.”

 

“Not for me.”

 

She rolls her eyes, but then she smiles. She nestles against his chest and sighs. “This _is_ awfully nice.”

 

“Yes, it is,” he agrees, continuing to run his fingers along her form.

 

Kylo never wants to wake up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this little tale! I'm so grateful for every kudo and comment. 
> 
> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, I'm perrydowning.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy screws up. It was bound to happen.

Kylo is still dreaming with his beloved and he’s in a state of nearly drugged bliss from being able to _feel_ her. Rey goes up on her elbows, pulling slightly from his arms. He shifts with her because he's not going to give up even a moment of touching her.

 

She’s on her belly and he has his arm around her waist. He pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear with the other hand and trails his fingers along her jaw, enjoying the spark of electricity he feels every time he touches her bare skin.

 

Her eyes look far away and she's nibbling on her bottom lip. It makes him want to kiss her. Everything she does makes him want to kiss her, but she's obviously thinking about something.

 

“What is it?” he asks in a low rumble. Maker, she feels _so good_.

 

Her eyes flit to his. He sees trepidation and he stops stroking her face. “Rey?” he asks with concern.

 

She looks down and murmurs, “I’m worried. About you.”

 

There’s something about how small she seems that makes him need her as near as possible. He slings his leg over hers and pulls her closer, wrapping his other arm around her. It’s not enough, so he rolls to his back, pulling her with him until she’s lying right on top of him. She squeaks in surprise, but he sees a pleased little smile.

 

His head is propped up on a pillow and he drags her up his body until her face is inches from his. He captures her lips and kisses her deeply, trying to reassure her with his touch.  Her fingers knead into his shoulders and she makes pleased little mewling noises.

 

He slows his feasting on her delectable mouth and between kissing her says, “I’m fine.” He can’t really believe he has her in his arms, her lips so warm and pink and his to plunder. “We— _you—_ healed me.” He doesn’t want to discuss how he’d come to be injured and he’s about to delve his tongue between her lips when she pulls back.

 

He sees in her eyes that there’s more going on than her concern for his physical safety. He _really_ doesn’t want to talk about what happened to him. He has at least a day, maybe two, before anyone would even think to come looking for him as Snoke must expect him to still be incapacitated. Given that _stormtroopers_ had deposited him so unceremoniously in his quarters, he’s sure Hux has been informed. It would be very suspicious if he were to leave his quarters and he plans to take full advantage of this unexpected time with Rey. The last thing he wants to do is talk about Snoke. Or talk at all, really.

 

Kylo holds her eyes intensely and tightens his hold around her. “I’m _fine_ ,” he repeats.

 

“But will you _stay_ fine? Ben … the things he did to you … your back was …” she trails off and her eyes are full of horror.

 

“I’ll be more careful, I won’t give him cause to question me,” he offers, trying to kiss her again.

 

She purses her lips at him and he stops his attempt, letting his head fall back into the pillows with a little huff of frustration.

 

“I’m serious. _This_ was serious. Snoke had you left to _suffer_. If we hadn’t healed you, you would still be convulsing and bleeding until you were able to get help. What if you’d _died_ waiting for the spasms to pass?”

 

“I was never in mortal danger, not once the punishment was over. It was only pain.” Her mouth grimaces with revulsion. He strokes her arms as he continues, “I would have recovered enough to comm for assistance.” He wonders, though, if he would have been willing to _seek_ said assistance. He doesn’t like to show vulnerability under the best of circumstances.

 

She scrambles back, sitting astride him and crosses her arms over her chest. “Listen to yourself! Only pain? This Supreme Leader, your _master_ , he did that to you. Used Force lightning on you! Your back was ripped open more than a dozen times! Luke would never have done that.”

 

His temper flares hot at the mention of Skywalker.  He leans forward, going up on his elbows. What had been a marvelous way to keep her close has left him in an awkward position, pinned beneath her, making it impossible for him to stand up without actively dislodging her and he doesn’t want to do that. Especially given precisely _where_ she’s settled herself.

 

The last thing he wants to do is talk about Snoke while she’s here to touch and taste and he can feel her heat through his trousers. Much as he’d like to, he knows he can’t sleep forever and he feels the minutes ticking away like a condemned man. He makes another attempt at soothing her.

 

“Rey, I’m alright. Yes, Snoke was … enthusiastic in punishing me, but now I know what to look out for. This won’t happen again, not for a long while.” Snoke tended not to punish him with any regularity. But he does have to admit that this particular round was more savage than previous punishments. He opts not to share that with Rey.

 

“Why was he so angry? Did you even _do_ anything?” she asks, still straddling him. Clearly he's going to have to talk about this.

 

“I've been preoccupied, not behaving as I should.”

 

“Meaning?”

 

He sighs and reluctantly pulls her off of him, setting her beside him as he sits up. She glares at him.

 

“What?”

 

“You can't just fling me around like that. You could have just asked me to sit next to you.”

 

“You really don't like it when I ‘fling you around’?” he asks with an arched brow. She’d seemed quite pleased when he’d pulled her across him.

 

She looks away and a light flush stains her cheeks. “Maybe a little.”

 

He smirks but doesn't gloat.

 

“Stop that,” she grouses.

 

“Stop what?” he asks innocently as he blatantly admires her. Maybe he can convince her to return to more pleasurable pursuits.

 

“I'm trying to talk to you and you're distracting me.”

 

“Am I?” He begins to nuzzle at her neck then nips gently at her skin.

 

“Ben, no!”

 

He pulls back and sees real upset in her eyes. “I'm sorry,” he says with genuine remorse. He hadn’t meant to cross any lines.

 

“I just … you don't know how scared I was. And the idea that it could happen again. I can't … please. _Please_.” She leans forward and puts her forehead against his. “Why do you follow someone who will _do_ that to you?”

 

He takes in a long breath and realizes he no longer has an answer to that question. He's avoided thinking about what he's really doing. He turns away and scrubs his face with his hands. “I don't know what to tell you,” he says to the dream version of his bedroom.

 

“The truth?” She sits closer and takes his hand in hers.

 

He snorts and shakes his head. The truth? He doesn't know anymore.  Finally he says, “Because there's no other choice for me.” His voice is flat and bleak.

 

“No, that’s not true, there’s always your moth-”

 

“Don’t,” he says swiftly as he stands. It hurts to be away from her but he needs to be able to think clearly.

 

“But-”

 

“No, Rey … don’t. I can’t. I’ve done too much, don’t you see?”

 

“She’ll forgive you, she will!” Rey pleads.

 

“I killed the love of her life!”

 

“I promise, you can go home.”

 

“I can’t, I just can’t. Maker, Rey, what do you want from me?” His tone bleeds red, all his mental scars splitting open. He can’t even think about … her … let alone talk about this.

 

Rey stands and goes to him but doesn’t try to touch him. Her eyes hold his and there’s such desperation in them. He softens and cups her face with his hand. He doesn’t want to fight.

 

Quietly, she says, “I want … I want you to be free of the First Order, of Snoke. I know you don’t want to be here, not anymore.”

 

His expression closes immediately. “You don’t know what I want,” he says, stepping back. This is all going horribly wrong and her face twists with hurt.

 

“I do. I’ve watched. You never talk about the First Order or Snoke. You’re hiding from them. In me.”

 

“That’s not true. I just don’t see the need to argue with you over politics.” He knows that she’s right, but years and years of forcing himself to bend to Snoke’s will are very difficult leave behind. If he just walks away, what was it all for?

 

“Politics? The fate of the galaxy is politics? Ben-”

 

“I’m not Ben!” he roars, finally snapping. There’s too much in his head and anger is the only thing that’s _ever_ made sense to him. “I let you call me that name because it makes you _happy_ ,” he sneers. “But don’t think for one moment that I’m anything other than Kylo Ren. Ben Solo was my first kill but he was _far_ from my last. Don’t tell yourself pretty stories. I have lived and breathed the dark side for almost a decade and a few weeks with _you_ isn’t going to change that. Isn’t going to change _me_ ,” he spits viciously.

 

She blinks quickly and his temper burns out as rapidly as it flared. Her face is twisted with pain, and damnably, _fear_. He’s flooded with shame. He’s never yelled at her before. He didn’t even think he could.

 

Silence envelopes everything and he’s trying to figure out how to apologize when she says, so softly, “Yes you are. You _are_ Ben.” She has her arms wrapped around herself. She might as well be surrounded by a minefield with how intensely she’s pulsing with hurt. “I keep coming, spending time with you, talking with you, hoping that will help you see, hoping that you’ll-”

 

“Hoping that I’ll come back to the light,” he says bitterly. Of course. Of course it would be about bringing him back. Maker forbid it be about _him_.

 

“Is that so wrong? They said that I was the only one that could,” she says, turning slightly towards him.

 

“Who’s _they_ , precisely?” he hisses as he moves to stand in front of her, all thoughts of apologies fleeing his mind.

 

“Your father … Obi-Wan … and …” She looks up at him miserably.

 

“And?” he prods.

 

“And Anakin,” she whispers.

 

Something deep inside him recoils. “No, that’s not possible. My grandfather would never go by that name, encourage you to seduce me to the light.” A horrifying thought streaks through him. “Is that all this was? Were you using my feelings to manipulate me into the light?” he almost yells. Is that how she spends her days, plotting with Ben Kenobi and some spirit masquerading as his grandfather? It’s probably sly old Yoda.

 

“No! No, I swear Ben-”

 

“Stop using that name!” he bellows. He holds his head in his hands and starts to pace. What if she never wanted him? It all becomes so clear. How could she want to be with him? He'd plunged his saber into her heart. He's been so foolish … so unforgivably foolish.

 

He stops his frantic movements and looks at her, trying to divine what her true motivations are. Her wide hazel eyes plead with him but she doesn't say anything.

 

“Did you ever care for me at all or was this just a trick?” Whispering in her ear, trying to seduce him to the light. He’d been so close to turning his back on his master for her when she’d never really cared about _him_. Just a project. Poor little lost Ben Solo.

 

“What? How can you think that? I … I love you.”

 

He scoffs. “ _Now_ you can say it. I tell you all the time but you never respond. It’s been _weeks_ since you told me you were falling in love with me.”

 

“How could I? Don’t you see how cruel it is of me to tether you to me like that? It damns you to a half-life! I hoped we’d have this time and you would find your way back and I would fade and you would … move on.”

 

“Obviously you love me _desperately_ if you’re already planning to end it,” he says cruelly.

 

She goes stock still and blinks at him. Her lip quivers.

 

“If you think, for one minute, I did any of this lightly …” She advances on him. “Why do you think I was so scared of falling in love with you?”

 

Pointing at his chest she yells, “I’ve never loved _anyone_ before you and I feel you like a _brand_. I will love you for eternity. I was willing to face breaking my heart _forever_ , for you. But apparently _that_ isn’t enough for you. That I want you to find happiness, true happiness, that’s a step too far because it involves the light,” she snarls.

 

He’s still hurt, not ready to hear her. “You don’t love me. You love some figment you made up. Sweet Ben Solo,” he sneers. “How could you possibly love this creature I’ve become, your _murderer_?”

 

She visibly flinches from his words. Her eyes are wild and tears are coursing down her cheeks. “How _dare_ you say I don’t love you. I’ve spent _hours_ telling you about Jakku. I let you _in_. I thought you knew what that meant … I thought you understood how difficult it was for me to do that.” She looks at him forlornly and he begins to see that he’s done real damage to her. “I thought …” She shakes her head. “I don’t know what I thought. Clearly I was wrong about you. Wrong about everything.”

 

Then she looks at him coldly and fear races up his spine. Her eyes are hard, none of the softness he’s used to finding there. “Enjoy the darkness, Kylo Ren,” she spits and pulls from his dream.

 

“Rey!” he screams. Then he’s forcing himself to wake up. His eyes open just in time to see the last glimmer of her form disappear.

 

He jumps to his feet. “Rey! Please, no. Rey!” But he’s too late. She’s gone.

 

He slides to his knees and just keeps calling out, “Rey.”

 

Rey, Rey, Rey ...

 

What has he _done_?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for continuing to indulge in this side-project. It's really rejuvenated me for writing 'Thwarted' and I'm so grateful for every read, kudo, and comment!
> 
> Happy Force Friday!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murder Puppy handles his stupidity about as well as you'd imagine as Sunshine Kitty stays away. Don't reject the girl with abandonment issues, numpty. Then Murder Puppy finds it's much harder to do Vicious Vulture's bidding.
> 
> *mention of sexual assault (not rape)*

No … no, this can’t be happening! He _can’t_ have done this. He chants her name over and over, like a prayer, like a plea. It feels like a fever dream and he can’t seem to bring himself to stand up. If he moves it’s real. If he stays on his knees, waiting in supplication, she’ll come back.

 

She _has_ to. She’ll come _back_.

 

Oh Maker … no, she’ll never come back. Not after what he said to her. He swallows through the tightness in his throat and the howling pain in his heart. Rey had finally told him that she loves him and he’d taken that extraordinary gift and denied it. Kylo can’t stop seeing her face when he’d viciously rejected her love.

 

_What has he done?_

 

He took her love and threw it in her face. Now that his temper has guttered out, he sees how stupid—how cruel—he’d been. Rey … Rey isn’t _capable_ of manipulation like he’d imagined. Even if Obi-Wan has her ear, she wouldn’t … she just wouldn’t try to trick him.

 

Force, he was _holding_ her, in his arms, feeling her right next to him … she’d let him kiss her, _wanted_ him to kiss her. Him, this broken disaster of a human being and he’d destroyed it. Even after everything he’s done, this amazing creature saw fit to bless him with her time. She’s been coming to him every evening for over two months now and he … he threw it all away in a fit of blind rage. More than threw it away … he knows how hard it was for Rey to open up to him.

 

So many hours they’d spent talking. He’d coaxed her into sharing her history, each painful, scalding part of her life on Jakku. Not being able to hold her, comfort her as she’d cried out her anguish had been agony. Her life had been struggle, toil, degradation, and abuse. He’d been shamed by her strength and her courage.

 

He remembers one night, she’d told him of how she’d learned to pull away from the other scavengers, that she’d been too trusting, too compassionate and had paid the price. He’d asked her what made her finally move away from Niima. She’d grown very quiet and shook her head emphatically.

 

After many soothing words and gently skimming his hand along her translucent form, she’d finally admitted that the junk boss, Plutt, had suggested a _different_ sort of trade. She’d been 13. Her voice had shaken as she’d told him how that filthy beast had grabbed her still developing chest, offering her more portions than she’d normally see in a week.

 

He’ll never forget the broken look in her eyes when she’d said, “I almost let him. Does that make me bad? I … I was so tired and hungry and he said he only wanted to touch and look. But I knew that would only be the beginning. So I said no as nicely as I could and the next day I found my AT-AT. He wouldn’t trade with me for three days … it was … difficult.”

 

She’d looked away and his rage had been boiling through his blood, thundering in his head. He still wants to take that vile worm’s hands. But when he’d begun to rant, she’d shushed him. She’d said, “I don’t want any more blood on your hands, Ben. My time is done, the need for vengeance has passed.”

 

That had made him flinch. It was easy to forget, sometimes, that she was dead. Or at least to forget that he himself was the reason why …

 

How could he have hurt her like that? This vibrant, damaged being who unfurled herself before him and he rewarded her trust with his suspicion and rejection. He hangs his head, still on his knees, and the shame is so thick he thinks he might choke on it.

 

He finally accepts that she won’t be coming back, certainly not any time soon and he drags himself to his feet. What is he going to _do_? He has no way to reach her, no way to express how desperately sorry he is, no way to promise to never, ever speak to her like that again.

 

His eyes slide shut as he again remembers her face as he’d questioned her love for him. He knows what it means that she let him in. He knows. He just … he couldn’t hold onto that in that moment of madness. All he could see was how everyone he’s ever loved has betrayed him. He couldn’t see the truth that Rey would never do that.

 

How could he have thought that of Rey? To rip her loyalty to shreds like that … to use her feelings against her. He’s monstrous. Disgusting to the core. Perhaps this is better. She will commune with the Force … forget about him.

 

An he … he’ll just go back to Snoke as if nothing has changed? That feels almost as wrong as the idea of a life without her.

 

Lost, he looks around his quarters and remembers that they’d snatched a day, perhaps days away from Snoke. He will be expected to recover slowly, leaving him so much time to spend with her. But now it doesn’t matter, he’s ruined it completely. He’s trapped in his rooms with only his failure and loss for company.

 

It starts to really sink in. She might not _ever_ come back. He might never see her again. And … whatever happens to him when he dies, he won’t be with her. He could bear this if he knew that someday he would join her in the Force. But he knows he won’t.

 

Unless …

 

No. No, that’s not possible. Even if he did what she’d asked, reached out to Leia Organa … his mother … it wouldn’t matter, he’s done too much. There is no returning to the light, not for him. There’s only basking in Rey, and that … that may well be lost to him.

 

He drags himself over to his couch and flops down, staring at the ceiling, her anguished face playing over and over in his mind.

 

\---

 

After two days he can’t take it any longer. His rooms are utterly destroyed. He’d raged. He’d wept. But mostly, he’d begged. Begged her to come back, hoping she was watching, listening. He’d promised to never treat her like that again. He’d eventually even agreed to try and find a way to speak with with his mother. Nothing. Nothing had worked.

 

He’s starting to see things out of the corner of his eye. Light glinting off metal makes him whirl in the hope that it’s her glimmering form. He’d been torn from a fitful sleep when the Finalizer had entered hyperspace, the blue streaking by the viewscreen filling him with desperate hope only to be followed by crushing disappointment.

 

Slowly, he dresses, knowing it’s likely too soon to be seen but not really caring. If he doesn’t get away from his quarters he’s going to go mad. Even with overturned furniture and lightsaber scared walls, his rooms are still full of beautiful, blissful, _sacred_ memories that cut his heart with his broken dreams.

 

\---

 

“Ren, how kind of you to join us,” Hux sneers. “We were beginning to wonder if you’d ever bother to get out of bed.” There’s a knowing look in his eyes that puts Kylo’s teeth on edge. Force, he hates Hux’s disapproving face.

 

Kylo strides past him, ignoring him completely. He goes to his usual spot where he watches the bridge. He likes how uncomfortable it makes Hux when he _looms_.

 

Hux huffs in annoyance and follows him. “While you were … recovering … we received reports of Force sensitives on Quol.”

 

Kylo’s fists clench into fists. He’s already in turmoil and he’s never liked this sort of mission. This is the last thing he needs. He doesn’t respond.

 

The ginger irritant glares at him and thrusts a datapad in his face. Kylo growls low in his throat and Hux takes a step back but continues to hold the report out for Kylo to take. For a long moment he just stares at the proffered pad before he finally snatches it from Hux.

 

With a heavy heart he takes in the details. A family—a mother, father, and two teenage daughters. A neighbor saw the eldest girl Force push her sister out of the way of a speeder. Kylo hopes the man was just seeing things. But of course, he will be expected to investigate.

 

“Quol is just an hour jump from here-”

 

“I know where Quol is, Hux,” Kylo hisses. “Have my shuttle prepared.” He’s already moving before Hux even has a chance to acknowledge him. But it doesn’t matter, he knows Hux will do as he’s told.

 

\---

 

His knee jumps as he sits in the aft of his shuttle. He’d come alone, apart from the pilot and co-pilot. Stormtroopers would just alert the family to what’s coming. He’s holding onto the hope that it was all a mistake, that he can leave the family in peace.

 

Though it’s a short jump in hyperspace, it feels interminable. With nothing to distract him, he’s left with his memories of Rey’s hurt eyes. He’s reminded of the time just after her … death. He’d made his way through his duties, but the pain was always right there. Somehow … this is worse. Now he knows what he has lost.

 

\---

 

He winds his way through the quaint streets. It’s dark and he keeps to the shadow. His targets are in a town on the outskirts of the capital city. Quol is still fairly rural and he finds the wooden structures charming. His heart squeezes in his chest as he imagines showing Rey the mountains to the west. In the back of his mind, he’s been creating a list of places he wants to take her. He may not be able to court her in the traditional fashion; he can’t give her gifts or treats, but he _can_ show her beautiful places.

 

Now, though … he’s ensured he will never have the opportunity.

 

It’s the dinner hour and he slows as he nears their small home. He reaches out with his senses and finds all four family members at home. And … damn. The daughters are both mildly Force sensitive. They aren’t a threat, but Snoke’s orders are clear. People like this, gifted with the Force but not strong enough to be worth training … they die. Snoke wants to control all the Force bloodlines, and this one is too weak to be worth the bother.

 

Clearly it was only her fear for her sister that allowed her the strength to use the Force so actively. Damn, damn, damn.

 

He stands for a moment, preparing himself for what he must do. He senses that the family is all gathered in the front room. That makes this easier.

 

Kylo Force pushes through the door and immediately holds them, suspended with his power. He pulls the closest girl to him first. She looks to be around 14.

 

In the past he’s always simply killed them quickly, no explanation. He doesn’t think knowing why they must die would change anything. It just prolongs the terror.

 

He holds his saber aloft, about to strike when the girl’s eyes manage to catch his through his helmet. They’re a warm, deep brown, just like his—no, he won’t let that thought form. But then he notices the freckles across her beige skin and his hand falters.

 

Tears stream down her face and he … he _can’t_. He can’t do this. That cold place he used to find inside simply isn’t there and he can’t find it in himself to _murder_ this family.  

 

\---

 

Kylo files his report on the way back to the _Finalizer_. The lead was in error, no Force sensitives.

 

He’d given the mother one of the untraceable credit chips he keeps for clandestine missions.”Go,” he’d said. “Hide. Never reveal that they have the Force. Never.” He’d imbued his words with compulsion then taken their memory of him, leaving the fear intact. They may never understand what happened, but they won’t question it. They will run, and they will hide. And the girl with eyes like his mother will _live_.

 

\---

 

He stumbles into his quarters. Too many feelings are swirling inside him. He’s oddly elated that he’d so blatantly disobeyed his master and he wants to tell Rey … He thinks she’d be proud of him.

 

As he’s methodically hacked every piece of furniture into bits, he goes to the corner of his sitting room and slumps against the wall, sliding down until his back is leaning against the durasteel and his legs bent. He rests his arms on his knees and his head falls forward.

 

“I miss you, Rey … I wish you were here. I think … I think you might be right and I need … I need to talk to you …” he trails off. He knows it’s useless.

 

He stares at the floor, his eyes unfocused, his chest hurting. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.

 

“I know.”

 

His head whips up at the sound of her voice. She’s here! Oh, Maker, she came back! He scrambles to his feet and is in front of her in three long strides.

 

“Rey, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He wants to pull her into his arms and never let go.

 

She looks at him furtively, her arms wrapped around herself. She doesn’t say anything.

 

“I know I hurt you. I know you’d never do any of the things I accused you of, I know I abused your trust. I was wrong, I was cruel-”

 

She puts her fingers against his lips and oh, to feel her energy again is sublime. His eyes slide shut and his racing heart begins to calm.

 

When he opens them again he finds Rey looking up at him, her eyes full of pain. “You really hurt me,” she says as she pulls her hand away.

 

He nods, unsure if he should speak.

 

Her face scrunches up. “I wasn’t going to come back.”

 

Kylo breathes in sharply at the thought but he continues to wait for her to say her piece.

 

“I tried to tell myself that you were a monster, that you really were just Kylo Ren. But then … you let those people go … helped them … and I couldn’t stay away any longer.” She shrugs helplessly.

 

He glides his hand along her side as he says, “I’m so glad you’re back.”

 

“I don’t know how to keep away,” she murmurs, drawing closer.

 

“Then don’t. Stay with me. Tonight, tomorrow night, every night. Stay with me.”

 

They’re as close together as possible and she’s blinking up at him. “Stay,” he repeats.

 

She bites her bottom lip then she nods slowly.

 

“Every night, all night?” he presses.

 

Rey smiles shyly and promises, “Every night, all night.” Then she looks around at the state of his sitting room. “I don’t suppose your bed survived?”

 

He rubs the back of his neck and sheepishly says, “Uh … no.”

 

“Well I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the floor, because I have _plans_ for you,” she says with a glint in her eyes.

 

He grins and wonders just how fast he can fall asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm sorry it took me so long to update. I do intend to finish this before TLJ is released.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunshine Kitty gives Murder Puppy a whole new definition of 'wet dream'. Lemon time!

Kylo finds himself back in the not-quite-right bedroom of his dreams, notably _not_ destroyed and Rey is once again nestled against his side.

 

He sighs deeply and pulls her close. They’d only just found this way to be together when he’d nearly destroyed it all. He hadn’t had _nearly_ enough of her before, and now his need to simply hold her is overwhelming.

 

She tries to shift in his arms but he holds her fast. “Not yet. Please, just let me hold you, let me feel you, Rey.”

 

She relaxes into his arms and her own arms tighten around his torso. “I understand.”

 

“I don’t think you do. I’ve almost lost you twice now … and there won’t be a third time. I won't lose you. I _won't_. You don’t know what being without you did to me.”

 

“I know … I watched.”

 

“You did?” he asks in surprise. When she didn’t come back, he’d assumed she hadn’t heard him and he’s a bit embarrassed that she’d seen him fall apart so completely. There's a small part of him that's wounded that she let him hurt like that, even though he knows it was entirely his fault.

 

“It was so hard not to come to you … but … I couldn’t trust you. Not until I saw what you did for that family. You see it now, don’t you? That you have to leave Snoke?”

 

He clenches his jaw. He knows she’s right, on some level. He'd even wanted to talk with her about it. But now, with her clasped close, he’s not ready to truly face it. He’s done too much, followed this path for so long … he’s not sure he’s strong enough to admit how wrong he’s been.

 

“You do see it, don’t you Ben?”

 

“I don’t know,” he says slowly. “But … I _do_ know that the only thing that makes sense is you.”

 

“Oh … I thought … after Quol … what you said ...” she trails off, her tone laced with disappointment.

 

“I need time … please.”

 

“Alright,” she concedes after a long silence. Then she places a soft caress against his neck and it makes him shudder.

 

He strokes his hand through her hair and her fingers trail along his chest, occasionally tangling in the fabric of his tunic. It’s a slow learning of each other’s bodies, as heat is stoked beneath their hands.

 

She’s so soft, so perfect. He shifts so that he is hovering over her, looking into her eyes. They’re wide and open.

 

“I love you. You know that, don’t you? You know that, right now, loving you is the only thing that I know how to do? The only thing that matters to me?”

 

“I … I know that you love me. I still … I still wonder if it’s selfish of me … if I shouldn’t free you-”

 

He holds her eyes intensely and clasps her shoulders. “No. _No_. You can’t free me, Rey. I’m yours. I’ll always be yours.”

 

She blinks up at him and her lips part as she inhales sharply. Her eyes are still unsure, but when her tempting pink tongue comes out and moistens her lips, her perfect mouth steals all of his attention.

 

“I don’t want to be free,” he murmurs as he descends on her, delving his tongue between her inviting lips. She meets him eagerly and he’s lost in the heat of her mouth. Oh, kissing Rey is the most transcendent feeling he’s ever experienced.

 

Molten heat gathers in his core as their passion turns almost frantic. She pulls him over her and wraps a leg around his. Without conscious thought he settles himself in the cradle of her hips. He’s capturing her needy cries with his kisses and she grinds against him.

 

He feels her clever hands come up under his tunic and she’s pulling at the cloth. They have to pull back from each other for the time it takes to yank the offending fabric from his body. Oh, Maker, she’s pulling off her own top and he’s never seen a more gorgeous sight than her rosy nipples, tight and begging for his tongue.

 

Kylo doesn’t know where to start. He wants to pull her close and feel her skin against his. He wants to capture her lips again. He wants to see how much of her breast he can take into his mouth. Too many options and he’s frozen, just staring.

 

Then she takes the choice from him, grabbing him by the hair and pulling his head back so his neck is fully exposed to her. A deep, rumbling groan is pulled from him when she feasts on his neck, sucking, kissing, biting with her sharp little teeth. Each new sensation makes him thrust against her, the friction of the fabric pushing him higher and higher. She’s so hot against him and he wonders what she feels like beneath the remaining cloth keeping them from each other.

 

She’s sucking at where his neck meets his shoulder and her pert breasts are pressed against his chest. He’s not even sure how to parse how glorious her naked flesh feels against his. And again he’s thinking of what it would be like to be completely bare with her.

 

His head falls forward when she releases his hair and now it’s his turn to taste her skin. But he pauses as he’s about to kiss along her neck, holding her eyes. They’re both panting and his face is inches from hers. He searches her face, needing to ensure that he’s not going too fast. She’d told him she wasn’t sure she could trust him …

 

“Rey,” he rumbles, then he pushes her hair back behind her ear and holds his forehead against hers. “Tell me what you want.”

 

“You, I want you,” she almost whines.

 

He shifts, again catching her eyes. “How much of me?” he asks, his voice deep and husky with desire. But there’s a note of insecurity that even he can hear. She hadn’t affirmed her love for him and he finds he’s not sure he can take this where they're headed if she’s not his, too.

 

She hooks her legs around his waist and purposefully pulls him flush against her center. “All of you. I want to show you how much I missed you, I want to show you that you’re mine.”

 

Oh, Force. Hearing that he’s hers goes straight to his cock and he gets even harder. He struggles to keep his mind focused. He refuses to regret one moment with her and he needs … he needs her to understand.

 

“I’ve never … I’ve never done this before and … Rey, it will _mean_ something to me. It will mean _everything_ to me.”

 

Her hands stroke along his naked back and she smiles shyly. “Oh, Ben … don’t you know I feel the same way? You know I hadn’t even kissed anyone before you …”

 

He whispers his fingers along her cheek, looking deeply into her eyes. “Yes, I do … I just …” He lets out a shuddering breath. He needs to _know_. “You … you only told me the once and I … well we know how badly I handled it. Do you … do you still love me?” he asks so quietly it’s barely even a whisper.

 

Rey freezes under him. She had been subtly moving against him the whole time they’ve been talking and his heart is in his throat at her stillness. He knows his eyes must be frantic with fear.

 

She closes her eyes and he wonders if his rejection has cost him her love. Perhaps she’s here out of compassion … or mere curiosity. Maybe she just wanted to have this experience and he’s her only option.

 

Kylo starts to pull away and her legs tighten around him with surprising strength. Her eyes fly open and she gasps out, “Yes!”

 

It’s his turn to go still. “Yes?” he coaxes, hoping with his whole soul to hear those precious words from her again.

 

“Yes … I love you.” Her voice quavers and she looks almost afraid. But then she takes in a deep breath and her expression clears. She holds his eyes boldly and repeats, “I love you,” in a clear, strong voice. Then she’s again gliding her hands over his skin and pressing herself against him.

 

Swiftly, he moves his hands to cup her face and he kisses her fiercely. She loves him! Rey wants him and she still loves him!

 

The fraught emotions had dampened his arousal, but then she takes his hand and places it on her breast as she arches into his touch. The sublime feeling of her taut nipple against his thumb has him dizzy with want in no time and soon he’s thrusting against her again.

 

She whimpers into his mouth as he plucks at the plump, red tip of her breast. He’s fascinated with how the flesh crinkles under his touch and he simply must feel it against his tongue. Pulling his lips from hers, he kisses and licks down her delicate throat, then burns a trail of caresses along her chest until he reaches her delectable peak.

 

He draws it into his greedy mouth and delights in how it swells further. He sucks gently and Rey cries out, “Yes, please, oh please don’t stop.”

 

A satisfied growl reverberates across her skin and he increases his attentions, pulling more of her breast between his lips. He sucks harder and she bucks against him; he’s so hard it almost hurts.

 

“I need … I need … Oh Maker, I need-”

 

“Tell me, tell me what you need,” he begs, pulling from her breasts and looking at her flushed face.

 

She writhes against him and pants out, “I don’t know, I need _more_. Please, Ben.”

 

He’s not really sure what to do. His limited experience hadn’t taken him this far. But he knows what he needs, he needs _her_ , the tension driving him nearly mad. She must be feeling it, too.

 

Hesitantly, he hooks his thumb at the waistband of her leggings and catches her eyes. She nods emphatically and he goes up on his knees next to her on the bed, pulling her clothing down. Now there’s only a small scrap of fabric keeping her from being completely naked. His fingers tremble as he removes that, too.

 

He sits back on his haunches, looking at her exquisite body laid out before him. She’s breathing heavily and her hands curl and uncurl as her thighs rub together. “Please,” she begs.

 

“You want …”

 

“I told you, I want _all_ of you.” Her eyes _burn_.

 

Nodding once, he stands and shucks the rest of his clothing quickly. His whole body is thrumming with anticipation and he stretches out next to her. He remembers hearing somewhere that women need to be … prepared, and he’s not quite sure what to do. But he’s determined to figure it out.

 

“I want to make you feel good, but I need your help. I need you to tell me what you like,” he says with much more confidence than he feels. She nods her understanding she's taking in quick little breaths.

 

He trails his fingers up her thigh and they part for him. Gently, he cups her mound and slowly probes at her entrance. Stars, she’s so wet! He enters her with one long finger and her breath hitches. He adds another and, oh, it's so easy to imagine her walls tight around him.

 

His fingers pulse in and out of her and he watches for her reaction. She gasping out high, needful sounds and they grow more insistent when he curls his fingers, finding a spot that feels a bit different. “There, right there,” she groans.

 

He almost wants to kneel between her legs, open her folds and really look at her. But instead, he takes his now sopping fingers and rubs along her outer lips, up until he feels the center of her pleasure. He’s not entirely ignorant about a woman’s anatomy, he just didn’t ever think he’d put it to practical use.

 

Lightly, he circles the hardened flesh and she gasps, “Harder.” He immediately complies, pressing down more firmly. “Oh!” she calls out and her heels dig into the bed.

 

She grasps at the sheets and whimpers. He strokes along her, and she starts to keen his name. His name sounds so right when her voice is rough with lust. She holds his rapt gaze intensely and a light sheen of sweat covers her face, little curls clinging to her skin.

 

Then she’s pulling at his shoulders. “Please. I need … I need …”

 

“Anything, I’ll give you anything,” he promises raggedly.

 

“You, inside me, please.”

 

“You’re … you’re sure?”

 

“Yes, please, I’m going to lose my mind!”

 

He slowly moves over her, tentative and shy. He wants her, oh Force, he wants her. But … what if he hurts her? What if she doesn’t orgasm? What if he’s just … bad?

 

She doesn’t seem plagued by such thoughts as she again wraps her legs around his waist and impatiently tugs him towards her. Now his cock is nestled right against her heat.

 

His eyes fly wide as he feels her for the first time. He groans as his length slides along her folds. She’s positively dripping and he doesn’t really think as he starts to thrust against her. She’s so hot and slick. He’s not sure how being inside her could possibly be better than this.  

 

Yes, oh yes, this is sublime! He can’t think, it feels too good. He keeps pushing against her but then she shifts her hips and all of the sudden he’s pushing _into_ her. He almost plunges in in one swift thrust but manages to catch himself. She’s having none of it and, using her legs, she pulls him to her until he’s deep inside.

 

He's trembling, everything catching up with him. He's making love to _Rey_. His _everything_. After all he's done, to her, to the galaxy, somehow she's still giving him this singular gift.

 

It's too much, he doesn't have room in his heart, his soul for the magnitude of what she means to him, what she's giving him and tears spring to his eyes.

 

His voice cracks as he gasps out, “I love you, so much.”

 

Rey's face is so open and she reaches up, ghosting her fingers along his cheek. “I know, Ben, I know.”

 

He turns his face into her hand and presses a desperate kiss along her palm, not sure if she _can_ know. Then his eyes roll back in his head as she moved her hips, his rigid length pulling along her velvet perfection.

 

He looks back into her eyes and finds such warmth there. She again moves against him and he gets the hint, finally joining her.

 

Slowly, gently, he thrusts into her, never breaking the tether of their locked gaze.

 

Rey's eyes are huge and she breathes out, “Oh …”

 

She feels _too_ good. He'd known it would be special but he can't quite comprehend that this is really happening.

 

He's almost clinging to her as they move together, finding that age-old rhythm. Each time he buries himself in her he moans, unimaginable pleasure sparking along his entire body. He hopes it feels as wonderful for her.

 

“Harder, ung, _harder_ ,” she demands and he's eager to give her whatever she commands. Yes, oh Force, yes. He never wants to leave this perfect place.

 

Faster. More. More, more, more. He captures her lips and kisses her, his tongue mimicking his cock as both plunge into her over and over again. He pulls her as close as he can, needing as much of her as he can touch.

 

Bright, hot ecstasy gathers in his core and Maker, he’s so in love with her. He feels like his chest will burst with his utter devotion as the delicious tension grows.

 

He’s close, he’s so close. He’s been close since he first felt her tight around him. He needs her eyes and gentles his kisses, pulling back slightly so he may see her.

 

“Rey, I … I’m going to … oh, Force, tell me what you need, please, oh Maker I can’t hold on!” he babbles, not even sure what he’s asking. He just knows that he’s begun the inevitable climb and nothing can stop it.

 

She’s grinding herself along the base of his cock and he grows even harder, his orgasm on the precipice. There’s nothing he can do now, he’s gone. His release crashes through him as blinding bliss takes him over. With one final thrust he shouts out, “Rey!” as he pumps her full of his pleasure.

 

He’s left shuddering in her arms, the intensity bringing back his tears and he doesn’t understand. He’s overwhelmed and gasping for breath, he’s never felt so much and he’s foundering.

But she holds him close and murmurs in his ear, “Shhh … I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

 

He chokes out a sob and he’s so confused. What’s happening to him? “I love you, Rey, I love you.” It’s the only thing he knows right now.

 

Eventually, the shaking subsides and she’s stroking his back. He keeps his face buried at her neck, humiliated by his display. He knows she didn’t orgasm and he can’t look at her.

 

“Ben?” she prods.

 

He shakes his head, unable to bring himself to see the disappointment he knows must be in her eyes.

 

“It’s alright, it’s alright, love,” she croons.

 

He finally finds his voice. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What? Why?” Her genuine confusion pulls him from his addled state and he finally looks at her again. He’s still deep inside her, her legs holding him fast.

 

“I … don’t know what happened to me … and you didn’t …” he trails off, wanting to hide his face once more.

 

“Ben, listen to me,” she says as she takes his face in her hands. “Thank you.”

 

Why is she thanking him? He’s painfully aware that he didn’t give her anything. “I don’t understand,” he says slowly.

 

“I’ve never seen you so unguarded, so open. You … feeling you like this, sharing this with you … it was beautiful. You feel so good, I don’t care about who did or didn’t. I’ve never felt so loved.”

 

“You are, so very much. But … I hate that you’re left wanting.” He’s softened inside her, but he can still feel little quivers of her walls and he wonders if it hurts her the way it hurts him when he’s denied release.

 

And just like that his determination returns. There’s no reason they have to be done yet. He pulls from her gently and lies next to her. “In fact … I think that’s something that needs to be addressed _right now_ ,” he growls as he kisses her deeply, his fingers questing along her center.

 

He finds her still hot and needy as he plunges two fingers into her perfect passage. He likes to think he’s a quick learner and he finds that spot she’d liked so much. Then he takes his thumb and swirls it along the apex of her pleasure.

 

“Oh, stars,” she groans against his lips. Pulling back slightly, her eyes find his and she grins. “Force, I love you.”

 

He quickens his pace and grins back. “Thank the Maker for that.”

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for continuing to read! Let me know what you think because we all know fic writers live on a diet of comments and insecurity. With a glass of Kylo Ren's tears to wash it all down.


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